When I came to Las Vegas in hopes of joining the eutaptics® team, I wasn’t expecting to be doing work on myself as much as I have. I thought “Awesome. I got a job with a company I believe in, a modality I know, a group of people who share similar goals. This is going to be a nice change of pace for me.” But as far as working on ME? Nah. I was fine. I take Wellbutrin for all that mess and file it away in the far back of my mind so I really don’t even know it’s there anyway.
A little backstory on me, I come from a huge family. I am number 8 of 8 children. Everyone in my family has dealt with weight struggles their whole lives. I chalked it up to being Latina. “We all have big butts, we all have thick thighs. It’s a right of passage to get a little belly jiggle.” But A) that is just so false, and B) it was a way for me to excuse my eating habits and the horrible way I felt as some kind of genetic disposition. I don’t know where I learned that, either. All of the Latinxs that I know are of different sizes, shapes, shades, attitudes – there are no two alike. Not even within my family.
In addition to seeing weight struggles amongst my relatives, I’ve also become accustomed to the idea that we were all pre-designed to suffer from depression, anxiety, suicidal tendencies, bipolar disorder, addictions and the lot. If there’s a name for it, someone I’m related to could be a poster child for it, myself included.
We weren’t well off, not by any stretch of the imagination, and my mom often had to count up the last of her pennies to help us get the things we wanted or needed. My dad, bless his heart (in the southern way you say that phrase), was a good man and would be there physically for everything. He never missed a game, a recital, a graduation, a wedding or otherwise… But emotionally and financially he couldn’t have been further away. He paid only what he had to and we were sort left to figure the rest out or my mom would pull it together. As I said, my dad was not a bad guy, he just had strange priorities for a married father of 8.
Now that you know that, the rest of this story will make a little more sense for you.
As I said, I knew the modality because I had done the original EFT for years. I knew that I wasn’t happy with being on medication and I knew that certain things about myself, namely how much weight I had gained over the last couple of years, needed more attention. I have always dealt with depression and because of that I’ve dealt with weight fluctuation, but nothing as grandiose as what I was seeing on the scale recently. Wouldn’t it be great if there was some sort of resource I could access that could help me with this?? Coincidentally, I had this great new job where people genuinely cared about me and my wellbeing, so I decided I’m going to put my money where my mouth is and do the work. After all, I get to see all these incredible changes in others that I want for myself, so why wouldn’t I put in the work?
When I began my eutaptics® journey after years of talk therapy, EFT, medications and everything else (and mind you, I believe those things helped me a lot, but none of it really worked to FIX anything… it just helped me COPE and those are very different when you want real change) I really just wanted to lose a few pounds and feel better in a bathing suit. I knew that up until this point my many jobs had me eating at odd hours and sleeping at weird intervals throughout the day, so exercise was not on the top of my list. I barely had time between multiple jobs to even care for my child, let alone myself. Depression and financial worries had really kicked into high gear, so I sort of assumed that this weight issue would go away when I had a little more money to buy healthier food and a little more time to hit the gym. Wrong. Changing jobs corrected my sleep issue and my financial strain, and having those two things in place sort of helped me figure out the depression… sort of… but I weighed more at the start of my sessions than I ever had in my life. I’m talking 50 – 60 lbs more. That’s 15 lbs heavier than when I was 9 months pregnant with my daughter.
Well… I started tapping FasterEFT style. A few days of doing the work and I was off my medication. A few weeks of doing the work and I didn’t wake up feeling sad or lonely anymore. Not even one day in a blue moon. Just not at all. At first, I worked with a couple of incredible practitioners who helped me see the beauty in myself and all the ways I was selling myself short by believing in old programs and old memories. One, in particular, helped me realize that my low self-esteem had stemmed from memories as far back as junior high that I had never addressed in all my years of therapy. We tapped on all of the feelings, memories, statements and perceived truths one at a time. It helped me understand the WHY of my diminished self-value. However, I hadn’t yet addressed my weight specifically. Just my overall feeling of crappy and ugly. In a VERY short period of time, the shifts started to show. I was able to push my depression right out the door. It was great. I was happy again, feeling big moves in my self-esteem and my ability to be present for my kid and my family. My fiancé noticed it, my family noticed it. Suddenly I was interested in being out and about more. I wanted to see people I had been avoiding when I felt fat. Maybe it’s the narcissist in me, but I thought that if I ran into old friends (especially ones who have known me since I was young and fit) they would notice how much weight I had gained and tell all the people who I haven’t seen how fat I had gotten. Low self-esteem suuuuuucks. But I was coming out of that by leaps and bounds and my tapping practice was picking up steam.
Yet, even with all that progress… I hadn’t lost any weight. What was I doing wrong? What wasn’t I seeing yet?
After another couple of sessions about the connection between my self-esteem and my finances, it finally hit me like a ton of bricks… The thing I hadn’t addressed had nothing to do with food or my weight or my self-esteem. It was a fear of money. Specifically, my fear of not having it and thus, not wanting to ever waste what I did have.
When I was a kid, we always had food. We had a separate little room under the stairs where all of our Costco treasures would go and our kitchen was always bursting with snacks. Not having food wasn’t the issue. But every time I’d reach for something someone in the house would remind me how much that thing I was about to eat had cost. “Finish your whole plate because it costs _____” “Don’t open that box unless you plan to eat it all because it was _____ amount of money” “Those are the expensive ______so don’t stuff your face!”
When I moved out of my parents’ house at a very young age I had a lot of hang-ups about money (that’s a complete blog of its own, so I’ll save it) and I hadn’t realized in all these years that those hang-ups affected more than just how I treated my finances. It was affecting how I was treating food, my body, my child, my friends, my roommates, my partner, my job choices, my self-worth and on and on. It wasn’t just the way my family treated food as currency, but the way that money mattered so much in big milestones in my life. With these big milestones came good and bad memories that changed the course of my adulthood in profound ways. The anxiety that surrounded money was directly affecting my health long after those milestones were just images in the rearview mirror.
So there it was. There was my big picture. I started to work on that. I started to tap when I felt the anxiety coming up. I started counting every penny less and enjoying being where I was and what I was doing more. As my practitioner told me to do, I had started throwing away what was left of my meals once I stopped feeling hungry, but before I started feeling full. “Take the power out of the food,” she said. I was doing that. Satisfaction had now become my quitting point rather than “eat it all because it costs money!” And you know what happened? I was averaging a weight loss of a pound a week. Over 7 weeks I lost 8 pounds. A healthy amount to lose and a sustainable amount to keep off. Man, it felt good. The control was mine again.
Then my future in-laws came to town…
I love my fiancé’s parents. They are some of the funniest, kindest people I know. With that said… they LOVE to party. We were going out three meals a day, drinking more in a week than I usually drink in a year and I had made every excuse in the book why I didn’t have to stick to my tapping. “It’ll be fine. I’ll just be careful with what I eat and how much.” But straight talk: that didn’t happen. I hoovered everything I saw. But not for the reason you might think. I wasn’t coming off a diet. I wasn’t coming off a workout plan. I ate everything I saw because when we would stand up from a table of half-full plates, what I saw left behind wasn’t food, it was money. LOOK AT ALL THAT MONEY WE ARE LEAVING ON THE TABLE!
I should have been doing the work, even with the in-laws in town. Spoiler alert: I put back on all the weight I had worked so hard to lose and then some.
So I’m tapping again. Today was day five and it feels really good to be back to seeing food as food and not the amount I spent on it. I catch myself doing it, and I tap. I catch myself thinking about my childhood self being told how much Cheez-Itz cost when I hand a bowl full to my daughter, and I tap. I fake laugh when I feel overwhelmed by the grocery bill and although it looks crazy, it feels really good and puts me back in the mind frame of progress. I am not going to weigh myself for a while because that’s just another way I’ve been torturing myself over the years. As if that number adds or takes away value from who I am or what I provide to my family and the world around me. I’m tapping on that, too. Also, you should know that the picture I included with this post is one of me a few years ago, younger and fitter. I’m tapping on that, too, for good measure.
I wanted to share my story because you’ll often hear people say that eutaptics® takes work to see the results you truly want. They’re right. Though you will see big changes really fast, you still have to put in the elbow grease to make those changes last. You’ll hit peaks and valleys. You’ll trek through some treacherous waters to get to paradise. This work is filled with intention that sometimes derails, but with a little bit of compassion for yourself, you can find your way back. It is a journey, that much is true. But it’s a journey damn worth taking.
Learn more about weight and memories here.